I entered back into the dating world a few months ago, and boy has it been an eventful few months. Guy #1 seemed like a great catch. A true southern gentleman. Until we became exclusive, and he messaged my friend (unknowing of her status to me as friend) on the dating website.
Ah, the dating website. The 21st century way to find prince charming. Subsequently, it's also the modern way to take a tour through every player in your local area. Unfortunately, I find myself on the latter trail as opposed to the former. As a female, I would automatically assume that I'm doing something wrong. However, I try not to think that way. After every blow that's come to my dating ego, I go through a short period of spewing cliches until I believe every last one of them. And I really do believe them. I know that if it's meant to be, it will be. And I know that if it doesn't work out, it's not a problem with me. He's just not the person I'm meant to be with. These are all well and good, but they still don't bring me to dinner or hold my hand while out with friends.
There is one positive that has arisen from my constant positive feedback (yes, I said constant...I really suck at this dating thing). Through it, I've begun to come into myself. I've begun to trust myself more (even though I have a LONG way to go). My former self would get blown off, and spend days going over the things that are wrong with me. I refuse to let myself think that way anymore. It's simply self-destructive. Now, I chalk it up to fate.
But I also find myself seeking validation through the male gender, which is an alternate self-destructive path holding me from finding the happiness I so desperately seek within myself. Yesterday, after a week of hanging out with a person with whom I felt a genuine connection, I was gently let down. While I appreciate his honesty and know that he's simply not the one I'm meant to be with, my automatic reaction was to reach out to other men for validation. Not only is this not healthy for me, it is not fair to these guys who are actually all amazing in their own ways. Nobody deserves to be a standby option because nobody truly is. I vow to always treat my friends, acquaintances, etc. in the manner that they deserve. We are all placed on this earth with our own unique set of values, talents, and paths to go down. Sometimes our paths converge. Sometimes this convergence is short-lived, sometimes it remains positive throughout your entire existence. But every convergence is there for you to learn and grow from.
I refuse to hold hostility against anybody. I have learned that negative energy does nothing but eat away at your soul. It's easier, and more beneficial to forgive and forget. While confusion may arise when it comes to my dating life, I do not hold any negative feelings toward any of them. Their paths were just not meant to be permanently aligned with mine. And that's okay. I need to teach myself that not everything needs to be forever. Sometimes it's the shortest of relationships that teach us the most.
I'm not sure if any of this made any sense, or if any of it will ever touch eyes apart from mine, but it was therapy to the soul. And now I can move forward down my path.
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