New Year, New Goals

The beginning of a new year often gives people a sense of optimism and excitement for the next 365 days. 2016 marks my 29th New Year celebration, and I have yet to see that feeling last more than a couple of weeks. Somehow this year seems different, and this is why.

2015 was another year of big change for me. I was shaken to my core when my roommate at the time, who I had considered to be one of my best friends, turned in a way that can only be described as evil, intentionally hurtful, and manipulative. I was becoming increasingly unhappy and stressed living in the New England environment, and missing the life I had when I lived in Florida.

Through the help of my best friend in the world, I was hired into a new job and made the move back to my home in the south at the beginning of August. While crossing state line after state line, I had the feeling of relief that my life was going to be so much better than it was up north. Unfortunately, the transition wasn't as smooth as I hoped it would be. I think that had a lot to do with my still carrying animosity, hurt, and confusion from my living situation. I was seeking comfort while at the same time ignoring the things that I needed to be addressing internally.

My new job was not as easy as I was hoping. Perhaps easy isn't the right word. But I have always been the kind of person that picked up on things very quickly. I have never had trouble in learning a new job or task. This job was different. For weeks, I felt like I was banging my head against the wall with no relief in sight. It was all-consuming, and I felt like I was failing.

My best friend in the world also started a new job within the same company, and began a relationship which shifted her focus from her and I to her and him. While I was happy and always want the best for her, I struggled a lot with this. I felt completely lost and isolated with no real escape. What had I done? Had a made another bad choice in my life?

Since then, I've moved into my own apartment again and love having my own space. My job has gotten better as every job should with time. Being able to have a place to sit in solitude also has helped me refocus my views on my friend and her new relationship. I have found that he is a great guy, and I enjoy spending time with the both of them. Where the old Abby would have been jealous of her relationship or jealous because she didn't want to hang out with me as much anymore, I am able to enjoy doing things with the two of them. Single or not. Progress!

My doubts in the move have also since resolved. While going to Walmart here will always be an adventure, I love my friends, extended family, and the lifestyle here. I finally feel like I've found a place where I can settle. Where I can afford to build a life. That's not a possibility for me now, but hopefully it will be in the not-so-distant future.

I am content in the life I lead. I am no longer running from things I cannot control, and I am finally ready to make transformations.

That's what makes this year different. I do not feel as though I'm looking back analyzing the mistakes I've made. Instead, I'm looking to the future, and what I can do to better myself.

I've been reading the book "The Happiness Project", and it has given me the idea to begin a project of my own. Usually, I want to tackle everything at once. Instead, I will focus on one thing each month and make gradual changes.

First up, is work, career, and finance. Although this move has been good for my soul, it has been harsh on my pocketbook. I am in a worse position financially than I have ever been in my adult life. With that being said, I will dedicate January to finding a second job that will work around my full-time job and provide me with more financial security. I will also reach out and make contact with people in the local wedding planning business (that I do miss) to set up informational interviews on their careers and businesses. All baby steps toward my goal of financial security and independence.

I also have a year-long goal of reducing my stress and anxiety. This is where this blog comes in. It will keep me accountable to my goals, and give me an outlet for the stresses of the day. The idea is to write it down, get it out, and move on. I will also eat, exercise, and relax for the good of my sanity.

So here's to 2016! I turn 30 in just over three months, and it's going to be the year I've been waiting for.

Extroversion at its best

Let me preface this post by saying that I'm not yet sure what it's purpose is.  In fact, it may just contain a plethora of oddly construed word vomit.  But being the extreme extrovert that I am, I may actually go insane if I don't lay out the inner-workings of my head that are currently like laundry in a dryer going around and around in my head.

I entered back into the dating world a few months ago, and boy has it been an eventful few months.  Guy #1 seemed like a great catch.  A true southern gentleman.  Until we became exclusive, and he messaged my friend (unknowing of her status to me as friend) on the dating website.

Ah, the dating website.  The 21st century way to find prince charming.  Subsequently, it's also the modern way to take a tour through every player in your local area.  Unfortunately, I find myself on the latter trail as opposed to the former.  As a female, I would automatically assume that I'm doing something wrong.  However, I try not to think that way.  After every blow that's come to my dating ego, I go through a short period of spewing cliches until I believe every last one of them.  And I really do believe them.  I know that if it's meant to be, it will be.  And I know that if it doesn't work out, it's not a problem with me.  He's just not the person I'm meant to be with.  These are all well and good, but they still don't bring me to dinner or hold my hand while out with friends.

There is one positive that has arisen from my constant positive feedback (yes, I said constant...I really suck at this dating thing).  Through it, I've begun to come into myself.  I've begun to trust myself more (even though I have a LONG way to go).  My former self would get blown off, and spend days going over the things that are wrong with me.  I refuse to let myself think that way anymore.  It's simply self-destructive.  Now, I chalk it up to fate.

But I also find myself seeking validation through the male gender, which is an alternate self-destructive path holding me from finding the happiness I so desperately seek within myself.  Yesterday, after a week of hanging out with a person with whom I felt a genuine connection, I was gently let down.  While I appreciate his honesty and know that he's simply not the one I'm meant to be with, my automatic reaction was to reach out to other men for validation.  Not only is this not healthy for me, it is not fair to these guys who are actually all amazing in their own ways.  Nobody deserves to be a standby option because nobody truly is.  I vow to always treat my friends, acquaintances, etc. in the manner that they deserve.  We are all placed on this earth with our own unique set of values, talents, and paths to go down.  Sometimes our paths converge.  Sometimes this convergence is short-lived, sometimes it remains positive throughout your entire existence.  But every convergence is there for you to learn and grow from.

I refuse to hold hostility against anybody.  I have learned that negative energy does nothing but eat away at your soul.  It's easier, and more beneficial to forgive and forget.  While confusion may arise when it comes to my dating life, I do not hold any negative feelings toward any of them.  Their paths were just not meant to be permanently aligned with mine.  And that's okay.  I need to teach myself that not everything needs to be forever.  Sometimes it's the shortest of relationships that teach us the most.

 I'm not sure if any of this made any sense, or if any of it will ever touch eyes apart from mine, but it was therapy to the soul.  And now I can move forward down my path.